GlobeNinja
Joined: May 19, 2006
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Name: Jesse
Age: 26
It all started when our (former porn) star, Jesse, woke up in a disease-infested jungle. It was the second time it had happened. Feeling very concerned, Jesse slapped a dangerous oil-soaked rag, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he realized that his beloved Magic Shoes was missing! Immediately he called his favorite rape victim, Gregg. Jesse had known Gregg for (plus or minus) 61 years, the majority of which were enchanting ones. Gregg was unique. She was intelligent though sometimes a little... insensitive. Jesse called her anyway, for the situation was urgent. Gregg picked up to a very sad Jesse. Gregg calmly assured him that most albino cats shudder before mating, yet spotted wolf hamsters usually sassily turn red *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Jesse. Why was Gregg trying to distract Jesse? Because she had snuck out from Jesse's with the Magic Shoes only nine days prior. It was a enticing little Magic Shoes... how could she resist? It didn't take long before Jesse got back to the subject at hand: his Magic Shoes. Gregg yawned. Relunctantly, Gregg invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Magic Shoes. Jesse grabbed his George Foreman grill and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Gregg realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the Magic Shoes and she had to do it carefully. She figured that if Jesse took the pimp fresh, candy-painted 'Lac, she had take at least eight minutes before Jesse would get there. But if he took the Legs? Then Gregg would be abnormally screwed. Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Gregg was interrupted by six selfish MY Little Ponys that were lured by her Magic Shoes. Gregg yawned; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling exasperated, she thoughtfully reached for her ninja star and thoughtfully deflowered every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Legs rolling up. It was Jesse.
----o0o---- As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Wal-Mart to pick up a 12-pack of dull pencils, so he knew he was running late. With a mighty leap, Jesse was out of the Legs and went indiscriminately jaunting toward Gregg's front door. Meanwhile inside, Gregg was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the Magic Shoes into a box of potatos and then slid the box behind her hammock. Gregg was worried but at least the Magic Shoes was concealed. The doorbell rang.
City: Unknown
Hometown: Fat People
Country: New Zealand
Occupation: Student
Schools: College
Companies: None
Interests and Hobbies: 'Come in,' Gregg surreptitiously purred. With a calculated push, Jesse opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some insensitive rationality-deprived retard in a curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala),' he lied. 'It's fine,' Gregg assured him. Jesse took a seat frighteningly close to where Gregg had hidden the Magic Shoes. Gregg belched trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Jesse was distracted. Before anyone could take off their pants, Gregg noticed a dimwitted look on Jesse's face. Jesse slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Gregg felt a stabbing pain in her love handle when Jesse asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the Magic Shoes right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A stupid look started to form on Jesse's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dull pencils from when she used to have pet disease-carrying chipmunks. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Jesse nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Gregg could react, Jesse aggressively lunged toward the box and opened it. The Magic Shoes was plainly in view.
Movies and Shows: Jesse stared at Gregg for what what must've been eight days. Giggling like schoolgirl, Gregg groped wildly in Jesse's direction, clearly desperate. Jesse grabbed the Magic Shoes and bolted for the door. It was locked. Gregg let out a sassy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Jesse,' she rebuked. Gregg always had been a little stupid, so Jesse knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Gregg did something crazy, like... start chucking live hand grenades at her or something. Before anyone could take off their pants, he gripped his Magic Shoes tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Gregg looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Jesse. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame ten days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Jesse. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Gregg walked over to the window and looked down. Jesse was gone.
----o0o----
Music: Just yonder, Jesse was struggling to make his way through the disease-infested jungle behind Gregg's place. Jesse had severely hurt his shin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral MY Little Ponys suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Magic Shoes. One by one they latched on to Jesse. Already weakened from his injury, Jesse yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of MY Little Ponys running off with his Magic Shoes.
Books: About six hours later, Jesse awoke, his double chin throbbing. It was dark and Jesse did not know where he was. Deep in the enchanting secret vineyard, Jesse was exceedingly lost. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, he remembered that his Magic Shoes was taken by the MY Little Ponys. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a oversized MY Little Pony emerged from the bush. It was the alpha MY Little Pony. Jesse opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the MY Little Pony sunk its teeth into Jesse's double chin. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Jesse's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than eight miles away, Gregg was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Magic Shoes. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened banana. With a heroic thrust, she buried it deeply into her prostate. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Jesse... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the Magic Shoes that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant MY Little Ponys, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
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